ammogirl

Guess what! Today is the one year anniversary of my eye surgery! That particular surgery, by the way, was one of the best decisions I ever made. Because, look. My eyes were worse than bad. My vision at my very last eye exam, which took place hours before the surgery, was 20/1000 in my left, and 20/800 in my right. Most of you have seen me at some point without my contacts or glasses, but in case you haven’t, trust me, without them, I was pretty much worthless. You know that opaque plastic that some shower doors are made of? That’s the best way I can describe what it was like, for me, when I looked at something without contacts. Now, though, my vision is a glorious 20/25 in both eyes. When I’m tired it gets a little worse, or if it’s windy, but seriously, after 26 years of the opaque shower door vision, I can deal with slightly blurry, trust me. The surgery though, holy cow. Now, if you are interested in getting some sort of eye correction surgery, please, don’t let this put you off, I swear to god, it’s worth it. SERIOUSLY. Just…you were warned, okay?

So, like any other surgery, first you have to have a few pre-op appointments, to make sure you are a good candidate. This involves getting high tech topography maps of your eyes, and extremely close up pictures, and it’s all very cool. You will be given information on the three types of eye correction surgery available now (PRK, LASIK, or Custom Wavefront). The technicians will also go over every (or, ALMOST every, as I found out later) step of the type of surgery you choose. For the record, I got the Custom Wavefront, which was really the only option, in my opinion. It was only slightly more expensive than the LASIK, with my military discount, but the risk of side effects decreases to almost nothing. Plus, something about the thickness of my retinas… I don’t know. The day of the surgery, I arrived at the eye center at my appointed time, (10am) and proceeded to wait. And… wait. Oh, and immediately upon arrival, they had dilated my eyes, without the numbing drops, so I had to sit there while my eyes were being bathed in pools of fire, and then, one hour later, since they weren’t ready for me, I had to do it again. I got my eyes dilated twice, people, and it was horrible – I seriously considered just leaving. But not really, since my eyes at that point were just molten goo floating in the sockets. Oh, eww. Anyway, I sat and waited, for… I’m not sure how long, really, because I couldn’t see, and they kept me in a darkened room anyway, because of the dilation. But at one point, someone came by, and I was given a fanny pack full of medicated eye drops, artificial tears, goggles, and instructions. Then, they put me in a DIFFERENT darkened room, and gave me a valium. “A valium!” I thought. “I wonder why I need a valium!” and that was my last coherent thought, as I drifted in and out of reality; apparently valium works very well on me. At last, I was shaken by a tech, and sleepily led to the operating room, without a care in the world, la la, it’s just a painless ol’ laser to the eye, slight discomfort (or so I was told)…THEN. The following is an EXTREMELY ACCURATE description of the surgery, which from start to finish lasted approximately 6 minutes. I know this because they call out the time like they are doing wind sprints or something: “Okay…GO! Come on Mike, faster! FASTER! Dammit, you’ll NEVER BEAT TOM, YOU LOSER!” Um, continuing: I was brought into the BRIGHTEST COLDEST room ever- it was like Antarctica, but on the sun - and laid down on a metal table. My head was strapped down to keep it completely still, and THIS was jammed under my eyelids, and numbing drops were dripped in, and A SUCTION was placed ON MY EYEBALL, and proceeded to pull THAT EYE OUT OF MY HEAD, so it would be firmly held in place for a blade to slice a flap into my cornea. (if you were wondering, THIS is the part they did not tell me about. AND, it was also at this point that I thought, thanks for the VALIUM, you should’ve given me TEN MORE, FUCKERS) This was me: “AHHHHHHHH!” This was the surgeon: “Hold still, please…HEY – what’s my time?” After the flap was cut, the laser was fired up, and a few “clickclickclickclickclicks” and one robotic female voice counting down: “10…9…8…” later, a clear bandage contact was placed on my eye, and the whole thing started again on the left side. And like I said, approximately 6 minutes from the time I entered the room, I was led right back out, and given instructions to keep my head back and my eyes shut until I was told. I might have fallen asleep at that point, but I don’t really remember, because of the shock of the eye suction. THE SUCTION, people. A vacuum to the eye is something I hope you never, EVER in your life have to encounter, unless, you are considering eye surgery which in that case: ummm, I…promise it’s…not so bad… FORGET IT. It is the most horrifying feeling in the world but worth it! REALLY!

I had to wear the bandage contacts for ten days or so, and sleep with goggles on for two weeks, and keep water away from my eyes for… I can’t remember, John, was it 3 months? Something like that, anyway. But seriously, the minute I sat up from that table I could see, and to this day I still look at something in the distance and think “I can SEE that”…and unless your eyes are as bad as mine were, you cannot know how happy that makes me. I can’t wait for the day the girls are old enough to have it done; unfortunately, they seem to be taking after me with the bad eye genes, because their dad, as far as I know, still has the 20/20 going on.  Dear girls, you got the short end of the stick.  Love, Mom.

So, anyhow, to properly celebrate this special occasion, I am thinking: ice cream! Yay! Happy Anniversary, eyes!

CIAO!