ammogirl

So, I’m one of those people who jumps around and flails my arms when a bug comes near me; I’m terrified of bugs.  Many of you have had front row seats to my theatrics, and I’ve mentioned it enough times in this blog that probably all of you have read it, by now.  But just in case, let me repeat it: I am afraid of bugs.  I act like a little girl…no…a big huge baby when dealing with bugs.  I scream.  I run.  I jump around and yell for someone to get it off get it off get it OFF OF MERIGHTNOWWWW!!!  As a result of this well-founded terror, I have been forced, over and over, MANY times in my life, to hear the bug saying.  You know the bug saying.  In fact, I’m sure you’ve said it, MAYBE even to me.  It goes like this:"That little bug!  That bug does not want to hurt you!  It’s more scared of you than you are of it!!"  Yup, you’ve said it, haven’t you?  Yeah, well.  Make a note.  You.Are.WRONG.

Yesterday I went for my regular Sunday walk, right?  And as I started out, I noticed that there were more dragonflies than usual, which believe it or not, was really not a problem for me.  For some reason, my hatred of all things bug does not extend towards dragonflies.  Because in my experience, that whole bugs are scared of me thing…well, it certainly doesn’t make them shoo, does it?  They keep divebombing you, trying to land on you…that is, EXCEPT for dragonflies.  Seriously, have you noticed that?  They never try to land on you, and will do their best to stay out of your way, so, even though they have big buggy eyes and not just two but FOUR wings and are big, I don’t mind them. They pretty!  Friendly, even!

As I said, I noticed more than usual flying around when I hit the path, but because I knew they would stay the hell away from me, I just thought to myself, "Awww, dragonflies!!  I LIKE dragonflies!!!" And continued along that train of thought, even when I came to the first stand of trees and saw that there were at least 100 of them flying above me.  "See!"  I thought, "I am walking right through this dragonfly parade and they are totally getting out of my way…thanks, dragonflies!"  In fact, I kept thinking that, right up through the third set of dragonfly infested trees…and then I started losing it.  That’s when I started thinking, "You know, what would I do if one of those things DID land on me?" and once that thought got in my head, I thought, "They seem to be staying up there, and not really coming down close to me, but jeez, that wind is sort of blowing them around.  Ha ha…hi, dragonflies, I think you’re nice.  Sort of.  Don’t touch me though, mmkay?"  Then, around the 1 3/4 mile mark, when I had just passed through literally HUNDREDS of dragonflies, and all I could see in front of me was MORE of them ahead, I thought this: "HOLY CRAP I have to walk back THROUGH all those and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
You see, at that very, very inopportune time, meaning, the time when I started feeling just the tiniest seeds of panic and fear, the wind sort of softly lobbed an unsuspecting dragonfly off it’s merry course right towards me.  And then?  I am not kidding in the least bit when I say that’s when I felt my mind start splintering.  I FUH-REAKED the fuck OUT, and spun on my heel so fast my hat almost fell off.  Then I started SPRINTING back, and the whole time, I was clenching my fists so tight my hands were going numb, and my nostrils were flaring with each shallow, panicked breath because my mouth was shut TIGHT to keep anything from flying in it and I was humming, very loudly, like this: "HummmhummHUMMMMHUMMMMHUMMMMMMMMMMMhumhumhum" and it sounded, even to me, like the sound a crazy person makes when they are going off the edge.  Well, the way they sound in movies, at least.  You know what I mean. Eventually I yanked my hat off my head and started waving it in front and all around me, but even that wasn’t good enough…in the end I made it back through my path of personal hell by jamming that hat back on my head as low as it could go, and staring ONLY at the ground while I walked as fast as I could.  I knew that if I looked up, and saw one of those damn creatures from beyond the abyss of hell fly even one-tenth of a millimeter in my direction, I would have froze in place right where I was and started crying.  And when you can, in your very own mind, picture yourself crouching on the ground in terror screaming for someone to come get you?  That’s when you know, for reals, that Um?  I’m not only more afraid of bugs than they are of me, they scare the SHIT out of me.  So THERE.

I made it off the path alright, but I was actually in such a state of panic that I walked to the gym, instead of home, and didn’t realize what I was doing until I got to the door.  Of course, I played this off by turning around and hitting the timer on my watch, to, you know, make it look like I had walked there on purpose.  And I think all those people behind me TOTALLY fell for it, so I was cool. 

For the record, I still don’t really mind dragonflies.  I doubt I’ll try that walk though, not if I see them flying around like that again.

Pretty, but….

Sorry, just…no.

Today was…you know.  Today was Monday, which means work, and work, ESPECIALLY Monday work, is boring.  However, I can now say that next week is….MIDTOUR! 

Auf Wiedersehen!!!

(pictures totally borrowed from wikipedia.org.  can I do that?)