ammogirl

You know, I’ve never been the type of person whose motto is Carpe Diem.  I’m the type of person that thinks "What do you mean, SEIZE!?  Don’t you know you COULD HURT YOURSELF?!!!"  I’m a horrible vacationer, constantly worried about schedules and getting hurt or sunburnt or not being able to get enough sleep or finding myself without a toilet when I most desperately need one.  Even worse, I spend so much time stressing about the NEXT day that I usually have a hard time enjoying the current one.  Out of all the things I would like to change about myself, this is number one on my list.  I have wasted so much fun on worrying about things that might happen in the future that it makes me crinkle my nose to think about.

And…okay, look.  Before I continue, I want to say that sometimes I wish this journal was completely anonymous so I could write whatever I wanted and not worry about seeming like I’m fishing for reassurances or concerned comments.  Please keep that in mind, and don’t do any of those things, I BEG YOU.  If you do, that will just make me embarrassed and wish I hadn’t written anything because my intentions are not to say "poooooor me" but instead to get this off my chest.  I know everyone loves me (right?  RIGHT?) but much like the fact that I can’t stay away from cake, I can’t help but worry about really dumb things. So, if you like me at all, (and I know you do, RIGHT?) you will read this and then pretend you never saw it.  EVER.  If I hear one peep I will…be mad!  I WILL!

I’m worried right now, and it’s silly…I’m days away from coming home, of returning to the place where my heart is, and the panic is starting to set in, that when I get there I will ruin everything, that I will worry too much about time and lagging conversation and the things I can’t do and make people wonder why they wanted me there in the first place.  I’m worried about people feeling obligated to be happy to see me.  I’m worried about not spending the right amount of time with everyone.  I’m worried about coming home.  I know it’s ridiculous, but I feel so unworthy of people’s time. I’m not spontaneous; I’m…more like Piglet than Tigger, and if there are people out there that do not know the difference between those two I am sad for you, but that is a different post for a different day.  The point is, I sometimes feel so unfun.  I’m not a brilliant conversationalist.  I’m not up to date on politics, or current events, or world history, or religion.   And I’ve already told you how bad I am with small talk.  Anyway, all of that adds up to me wishing that nobody knew when I was coming home, and that I could just hide away with John and the girls so I didn’t have to deal with it. 

But that’s ridiculous, and I know it.  I have 30 days to enjoy, and the only person that can make me have a bad time is myself.  Therefore, I am going to hold myself accountable to all of YOU, and I FULLY expect you to take me to task if I don’t hold up my end of the bargain.  So:  <ahem><cough cough> I hereby promise that on my vacation I will have a fabulous time, and do lots of fun things, and take many pictures.  I promise to never look at a clock (except when I have to) and not worry about working out.  I will go camping and not worry about bugs, or the germs that are certainly SWARMING all over the campground restrooms.  I will wakeboard and not be scared to jump.  I will eat fabulous food, and not worry about the scale.  I SWEAR I can do all those things, I can!  I’m the little engine that could!  The ant who moved a rubber tree plant!  The…um…thinking of another inspirational story…OH!  I’m that mouse that took the thorn from the lion’s paw.  You know what I’m talking about right?  I’m TOTALLY that mouse! 

I seem to have a full calendar through this week; you will have to forgive me if I can’t post.  As soon as I can, I will update you guys…and I will, probably, happily, and thank god, FINALLY, be doing so from home.

Happy Fourth of July!!

Auf Wiedersehen!!!