Mar 19
smelly
Right. So, I thought I had the page break problem solved but alas, I have not. Just imagine the page breaks are there, until I figure it out. Actually, you know what, I’ll put in lines, that will work even better! I have to do something, because when I read my posts, without the space in between paragraphs, it reads like one incredibly long run-on sentence, and that would be terribly misrepresentative of me because we all know I NEVER use run-on sentences. Ever.
—-pause for breath, or, paragraph—-
Okay, for the last week or so, Taylor has been walking around the house going, “oh my GOD, it smells like WET DOG in here, it’s so gross, I might die, bla bla bla bla” and I was humoring her because *I* did not smell any wet dog, which meant there was no smell. Because I am the boss. But she kept insisting, and it was like, “Taylor, there is no wet dog smell in this house! It’s…old stuff in your nose or something.” What? THAT COULD HAPPEN. Hey, who else around here stuck something up their nose when they were younger? Besides me? I did the deed with a lentil. Or, several, I think…mom? Anyway, so the whole wet dog thing was like, getting annoying, right? Because nothing smelled like wet dog, period. And then one day, last Thursday, to be exact, I walked by Taylor after getting back from a run and she was like, “Mom! YOU smell like wet dog! It’s YOU!” and what do you know, I bent down and smelled my leg and she was right! It was totally me, the WHOLE TIME.
—pause, and all that—
See, what happened was that I had been using this self-tanner from Bath & Body Works. It was Ginger and Verbana, and it smelled fabulous in the tube, and even more fabulous on - it sort of turned brown sugary-smelling - but apparently, working out sort of cancelled out all the tantalizing good smells and turned them into wet dog smells. And I swear to god it’s not just me that smells like wet dog. It’s the lotion. For real, I did a test. Work out with lotion on, wet dog. Work out with NO lotion, no wet dog. Stupid lotion. The thing is, I wonder how many other people thought I smelled, and then I think about the time I went to the post office after a run, and while I was standing in line, the guy in front of me kept moving up, away from me. I just thought he was feeling crowded but oh my god, you guys! I was smelly!
—pausity pause—
I got attacked by another cockroach today. Okay, so I smell, and the cockroaches won’t leave me alone. Do you think this should tell me something? I swear that I shower daily! Should I…change my clothes or something? KIDDING.
—pausing for effect—
Tschuss!!
March 19th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
I am commenting on two things in this post. First, there were many many lentils in the nose. I pulled them all out. Second,I agree with the wet dog smell of self tanners. They make me smell like that as well. Good call, granddaughter!
March 20th, 2007 at 1:22 am
Now THAT is a shaggy dog tale.
March 20th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Damn! Your new blog doesn’t like me when it comes to comments! It always rejects my first one. Anyway, I can’t imagine being told by my teenage daughter that I stink - how crushing! Second, perhaps you should let the company know about your experience, maybe they’ll send you a year’s free coupons or something. At the very least, they’ll appreciate the info so they can warn their other clients.
You are a riot, girl! Keep making me laugh - I need it right now.
March 20th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
LOL! I’d be getting rid of that self tanner - or at least making sure I didn’t wear it while I was working out or doing anything that could possibly make me sweat…
March 21st, 2007 at 7:58 am
Might want to burn the clothes that you’ve been wearing recently.
You know, I’m just sayin….
I think I know what your problem is with the line breaks.
March 21st, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Mom - thanks for the lentil rescue.
Scott - bark.
Kari - I don’t know why it doesn’t like you! Ooohh..good idea about the coupons! I’m going to see if it will work!
UA - Yeah, like walking. It’s so unfortunate because it makes my legs such a perfect toasty shade of tan.
Slick - Wait, are you saying the line break problem is because I’m smelly?
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:11 am
OK so first, thanks for making me blow snot all over my screen with the explosive laugh.
And second, so it smells good if you don’t do anything that requires physical exertion, right? Because at least that’s still better than the head swelling, nostril burning smell coming from almost every single self tanner I’ve tried. Damn the sun for causing damage, and damn all these people who finally scared the crap out of me enough to make me go faux.
March 24th, 2007 at 1:49 am
Ok.. your mom is funny, first of all. Second.. this is probably where you get your funny.. from your mom. How awesome is that? Third - girl.. new tanner.. I’m all about the Loreal. Just sayin’.