ammogirl

We all know how…um…obsessed I am with my level of fit (which really means body image, but it sounds less disorder-ish this way), and I’ll admit I when I was packing my suits up for vacay I was a little worried about having to put them on. So the first morning there, I carefully picked one out (I brought 7. I can’t help it) based on 100 different factors: my level of tan, what level of bloaty I was feeling, what breakfast had been, what my hair looked like, whether I had, ahem, gone to the bathroom–you know, basic stuff. Then I literally stood in front of the mirror for 10 minutes fretting. My poor husband…god. You can imagine. “Do I look okay?” “Yes.” “No, do I REALLY look okay?” “Yes.” “How about from the back? Okay?” “Yes.” “But what about…” “!!!! You look FINE. GOD. Let’s GO.”

And then? We went out to the pool, where every single woman there had a bikini on. Annnndddd…at the risk of sounding rude, (which I’m not! I’m just making a point! Totally!) there was like, only one girl there who had the right to be wearing one, by American standards. You guys, Europeans do not care. They just don’t! There were women there that had to be at least 70! Wearing bikinis!

The same went for speedos. Holy crap…if the women don’t care what they look like in their bikinis, those men…wow. It is a requirement to have a ginormous gut if you want to wear a speedo. I am not lying. HUUUUGGGGE gut, skinny legs. Back hair optional. And you guys, let me clarify…while there were some older people there, for the most part, the clientle at this hotel were young, 20s-40s, I would say. So I think this is a pretty common thing.

And then, boobs. At the pool, with small children around, and at least 200 people of varying ages, boobs. Just out there, boobs. Nobody cares! Boobs and a g-string bikini! You might as well be nekkid! No one cares! Nobody even looks twice!

It’s just weird, really. I never really realized how prudish and obsessed with our bodies Americans are, until the vacay. I mean, we freak out if a celebrity has a nipple showing in a picture. Also…I might be wrong but I think the reason speedos are so vilified in our country is because, don’t laugh: it makes a guy’s package so…obvious. I mean, you can’t pretend it’s not there in a speedo. And if everyone is worried about seeing a nipple, I can only imagine how people feel about visible packages. And on top of all the prudishness, the way we struggle to keep ourselves looking good…damn. I’ll tell you, it was great being in a place where all of that wasn’t a factor. I mean, can you imagine going to Hawaii and seeing average men and women in bikinis and speedos, with BOOBS hanging out, and the package RIGHT THERE? EVERYONE would have something to say.

I will admit, although I almost got brave enough to go topless a few times, I never did. The second day in I swore the next day, I was going to do it…and then when I got to the pool I totally lost my nerve. I did graduate to taking my top completely off when lying on my stomach, to include leaning on my elbows, which allows a small bit of boob exposure. And, when I lay on my back, I would fold my top down so it much I might as well have taken it off…but I just couldn’t go the final step. Next time!

Europeans, you guys. They really aren’t interested in what you think about them. I love it.

Though somehow…I don’t think I’ll ever convince John to wear a speedo.

Tschuss!!