ammogirl

This is a picture of my hand:

What is up with the veins? Gross.

Please ignore the general elephanty-ness of my hands, and bulging tendons/veins.  I have man hands.  What are you gonna do.

This is a picture of my hand with a faux flower Lindsey has in her room:

Comparison of my hand in regards to Lindsey's faux flower, size-wise.

You will notice that the flower is approximately 70% of the size of my hand.  Which…wow, my index finger is crooked, isn’t it?

THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE GRASSHOPPER IN LINDSEY’S ROOM LAST NIGHT:

GINORMOUS MONSTER GRASSHOPPER

YOU GUYS.  That thing is HALF THE SIZE OF MY HAND.  My MAN hand!  Meaning, THAT BUG WAS FUCKING MONSTERISH!  And here’s how THAT little scenario went down:

Lindsey and I had just finished up an episode of True Blood (LOVE IT), Taylor was getting ready for bed, and John was DD-ing his friends all over the place.  It was about midnight-ish, and I was just finishing up a last check of Facebook, when Lindsey came rocketing down the stairs, sobbing and screaming and jumping around.  Taylor was hot on her heels, wondering, you know, what the hell was going on with her clearly possessed sister.  I jumped up from the couch in a panic because hi, my child was clearly insane or being pursued by rapists, and we all met in the middle of the dining room.

After a full minute of Lindsey hyperventilating, we calmed her down enough for her to say there was a giant grasshopper in her room.  Well, when people (my daughter) say GIANT grasshopper, you (I) tend to downgrade it a bit, into the range of regular size grasshopper, because, well–you just do.  So we all headed back upstairs so I could save the day, and I boldly walked into Lindsey’s room…and immediately froze in horror because OH MY GOD GIANT GRASSHOPPER!  It was just…crawling all over her wall!  Like it owned the place!  And it was GIANT!  We all knew there was no way in HELL I was getting that thing out of the room, so I just asked Lindsey what she needed, because oh hell no she was not sleeping in there.  She asked for her pillow, blanket, and laptop, which I retrieved, but then she asked for her laptop charger, which happened to be plugged in on the other side of the room…with the grasshopper.

I was like, Uh, no, share with your sister, girlfriend, because this momma ain’t going anywhere close to THAT, but then she was all, MOMMM! PLEAAAASSSEEEE!  And I caved and went tip-toeing in, eyes firmly plastered on the creature, both girls crowded around the door watching with wide eyes.  And as I reached the plug and yanked the cord out of the wall, not caring if to do so resulted in cord-ruining or electrocution, the grasshopper…STARTED FLYING.  TOWARDS ME.

I screamed:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  And the girls screamed:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  And I threw myself out the door into the wake of the girls, who had ran as soon as the first wing moved.  I slammed the door behind me, did a quick dance to make sure that thing wasn’t on ME, and ran into my bedroom where the girls were cringing in terror.  We all jumped around screaming for a moment and then realized the window was open and it was 1230 am.

John was called, and when I finally got ahold of him, I said, “EMERGENCY SITUATION!  Come home quick!”  And he said, “What?  Why?”  And I said, “OMG GIANT GRASSHOPPER!”  And he said, “…ohhh, giant grasshopper, huh?”  And I heard the rolling of his eyes and the giggle of his drunk passengers and I said “YES!  IT IS GIANT, you just wait and see.”  And he said, “…mmhmmm.  I’ll be home soon.”

I got off the phone and told the girls we were being highly doubted by the man of the house and we all agreed that he would not be doubtful when he was faced with getting rid of the bug.  We then travelled downstairs to my bathroom so I could brush my teeth and wash my face, and yes I needed to have them there  because WHAT IF THERE WERE MORE and they snuck up on me as I was rinsing my face off?  WHAT THEN?  And then John came home, all uh-huh big bug, huh and grabbed a PAPER TOWEL and when I told him that a PIECE OF ABSORBENT PAPER was not going to help him in anyway he was like, I’m a MAN and giant bugs do not exist and then he walked in Lindsey’s room and was like, “Whoa.”

I said “I TOLD YOU SO” and then shut the door on him and then grabbed my camera and threw it in at him and shut the door again.  He rustled around in there for awhile and then took the faux flower picture and then the grasshopper flew at HIM and he ducked because man or not, that thing was FREAKY, and when he did so the grasshopper found some portal to the dimension of hell and went into hiding for awhile.  I was like, well, Lindsey, sorry you no longer have your own room because as far as I’m concerned, it now belongs to an insect and she agreed and then we all went to bed.

Except for John, who went upstairs to brush his teeth and afterward went back into Lindsey’s room and  found the grasshopper and put him outside, STILL ALIVE, which is thoughtful and all, if you aren’t talking about GIANT GRASSHOPPERS.

It was quite an evening.

Tschuss!!